Its been a while...

7 years ago I met and quickly fell head over heels for a man who spent his time more in love with his job and future than he did with me.  But being naive and not wanting to fail at my Temple marriage I did everything I could to keep him enticed and accepted the abuse I was put through just to prove that I could make my marriage work.  I lost myself, my spirit and my own reason for being alive.  I am proud to say that recently I have once again found myself, or the not so broken self that I dream will completely fix herself someday. 
I didnt do this alone,  I had the support of my family and a friend from my past who just might infact be the man I was truly meant to be with in the first place. 

Fate has a funny way of pulling two people together.   Several months ago this boy and I made a choice which has given us the chance to become parents.  While this choice is frowned on by many of our Religion we are very excited and scared to shortly welcome this little girl into our lives.  We know that its not going to be easy to raise our daughter, but we are not rushing into a marriage as I am not completely healed from my previous marriage.  The man I happen to love is more than understanding and patient with me and the time its going to take me to heal from my past.  I feel very blessed to have him to lean on, to cry to, and to share this experience of having a baby with.  For the first time in a very long time I am not scared of my future I know that as long as he continues to feel the way he does and our feelings grow for one another nothing can be too terrible that we cannot handle together.

Tell me the truth

I see the look you throw my way when you think I'm not looking
I know you feel the tingle in your fingers when your fingers touch mine
So tell me the truth for a change
Tell me how you really feel
I promise I wont judge
Tell me how I make you smile
And I'll bury it in my heart
Tell me that I'm the one you want forever
and I promise I will never let you go

When you kiss my lips I feel your soul connect with mine
When everything has gone wrong You know just what to say
If you cant find the words to tell me the truth let me help you
If I had the guts I'd tell you this:
You electrify my heart
Give me reasons to smile
Make sure I know I'm wanted
And give me a warm embrace to always come home to

I want you to be mine
I promise I'll never ever break your heart
So tell me the truth
Tell me that you love me
And You'll never have to wonder if you'll be alone tomorrow
Tell me the truth...

Never let you go

Afraid of a relationship

scared you'll break my heart

I push you away and you said,

baby put your trust in me

I held your hand and kissed your lips

and you took my breath away

So Hold me close,

Never let me go

Baby I put my trust in you

So please dont act like you dont care

Dont walk away from me

and break my heart

You held my hand

and kissed my tears

and held me close

never let me go

Baby put your trust in me

I may not look like much

But you'll never regret

taking a chance on me

I'll hold your hand

and kiss your lips

 I'll hold you close

and promise to never let you go

Begining of my story...

                                                                                I’ve lost him

When you think of LOVE you think; happiness, smiles, and acceptance, but could you ever imagine that love could mean something else entirely?  The day I realized I loved him was the day I knew I would never be alone.  I was shocked and amazed at the realization that everything I thought I wanted for my life wasn’t going to be good enough unless I had him.  I did anything to see him smile, anything to hear his laugh and would die for him just so he could have a little more time on this earth.   To me he was everything and I was willing to put everything I wanted for myself on hold just to make sure I could be with him.  Somewhere when life started to get hard I forgot all that.  I started dreaming about everything I had put on hold.  I wanted so much for my life and suddenly everything he had offered me wasn’t enough. 

                I started making excuses as to why he wasn’t good enough.  I started listening to people who didn’t know about my relationship.  Believing things I would never have thought to think twice before about.    Ultimately I ruined the best thing I had in my life. 

                But maybe I should back up…

                The day I met him I didn’t want anything but to earn a paycheck, and instead I came away with one of the most amazing things I could ever ask for.  I remember everything as perfectly as if it were yesterday.  He, we’ll call him My Airman, stood behind the counter in khaki shorts and a button down orange plaid shirt and sandals.  I thought he was cute, but quickly diverted my attention to the job at hand.  I was not there to flirt, or find a boy friend, I was there because I needed money.  I guess fate had other things planned for us.  I couldn’t stay away from him for long, his smile and smooth voice drew me in faster than I could blink.  I found him intoxicating, mysterious and very scary.  More than anything I wanted him, I wanted to breathe him in, submerse myself in his love.  He was everything and more that I wanted.  His mind intrigued me but more than anything being around him made me feel special. 

                Two weeks later he left for Iraq; his deployment was to be 180 days long.  We were going to email; I was his support from home.  The emails became my life.  Every time my fingers touched a keyboard I was checking my email and whether he had emailed me back or not I was emailing him another email.    Being a sheltered little girl from a small town I had no idea what to expect from this deployment, I didn’t know what to say or how to act for him.  So I did my best to distract him from his current situation by talking about life at home.  My awesome senior year of High School adventures such as Choir and Creative writing.  For the most part our emails were completely platonic, but every once in a while when life was particularly hard he would let his true feelings show about me in his emails.  As I would try my hardest not to let my feelings for him become manifest it was hard when he would tell me that he loved me.  The short 4 months in which he was gone were the hardest of my young life.  Every day was a new rollercoaster of emotions. 

                After Christmas started the countdown for his arrival home, I wasn’t for sure of the date he would be arriving.  I knew an approximate but due to terrorist attempts I couldn’t know the exact date he would be home.  So my countdown wasn’t exactly accurate, school started sometime around the 1^st week of January and everyone seemed to have a secret they couldn’t tell me by the 2^nd week back to school.  January 28, 2005 was the oddest day, I woke up went to Seminary and when I got home everyone was looking at me expectantly.  But I wasn’t in on the secret,  I went to school and again everyone looked at me with  the same expectant look.  I seriously didn’t know what to think.  Finally in creative writing, the last class of the day, everyone just stared at me smiling knowing something I didn’t.  As if that wasn’t enough to unnerve a person as I was leaving for the day everyone said the same thing, “have a great weekend Buffy, have fun.”  None of my class mates ever said anything like that to me before.   I had no idea what to think.  I left the school and drove home with my siblings who were unusually antsy and excited.  I get home; walk through the door to find my mom greeting us.  She grabbed my back pack and told me to go into the living room.  Odder yet was Samo and Ashley were both sitting at the table smiling.  I had no idea what was going on.  I walk into the kitchen and see him standing by the pantry.  Too shocked to move or breathe, all I could say was: “Hi” He gave me the biggest hug I’d ever had, neither of us wanted to let go. 

                The next few months flew by faster than I could blink.  We got engaged and had set our wedding date.  Soon after deciding when we were going to get married we realized we couldn’t wait that long.  Every day we spent apart seemed like an eternity. The decision between him and college was before me.  As much as it scared me, I jumped.  We wed on June 25, 2005 in the Billings Montana temple.  He was the most handsome man I’d ever seen.  Dressed in his blues and me in my white dress, all I could see was him.  I didn’t want anyone or anything else for the rest of my life.   

                We spent the next 5 years married, it wasn’t always easy or fun but he was my husband, He was my everything.  So why did I forget it so easy?  Why did I throw it all away?  I thought I knew what I wanted.  I had no idea what I wanted till it was over.  Will I ever be given the chance to make it right again?  Will I ever win his trust and love again or am I doomed to live alone forever? 

Here I sit, scared and nervous about my future; there is nothing certain nothing guaranteed about my happiness.  I cry a lot, and find myself longing to hear his voice on the other end of the phone.  But I’m no longer the priority in his life; I’m no longer the special one who puts a smile on his face.  I guess this is where the real story begins.  This is the part where I redeem myself in his eyes; where I win his love. 

Little Things

Its the little things that make me love you

The way your eyes soften when you look at me

how your touch sends shivers through me

I thought I could live without love

But I was quickly proven wrong.

I dont want to live without you

Waking up in your arms is pure bliss

Please tell me you feel the same

You're always nice to me

Even if I dont deserve it

When I'm with you I'm not afraid of anything

Its the little things that make me love you

The way your arms hold me just right

How your kisses make the world fade away

I dont want to live without your love

I dont want to live without you

Being with you feels so right

Please tell me you feel the same

Tell me I'm the one you love

That you can't live without me too

Look me in the eyes and promise me forever

Tell me....Tell me you love me.

Things I'd wish you'd see

Do you realize how much you mean to me?
I wish I could tell you but honestly I'm too afraid
Instead I wish you'd see on your own what you do to me.
you posess this power over me,
something I can never quite control.
My fingers itch when you're around
because I want to touch you,
just to make sure you arent a dream.
My arms ache to hold you
because I feel safe in your embrace.
I ache to hear your voice,
your velvety surgary sweet voice...

But then this happens....
Do you realize that I'm listening, breathing in your every word? 
So when you say I'm stupid...Do you not see me flinch?
Why dont you see the hurt in my eyes?
Do you not realize what you've done to me?
To my spirit?
I'm broken, bruised and bleeding.
Yet all you see is this pretty face.
I'm tired of hurting,
tired of crying
Will you ever let me be?
Let me go and become the ME you saw years ago...?
The me I wanted years ago?

scared to trust you

I've been hurt so many times, 
So I'm afraid to trust,
yet I do it without realizing it...
Could you be the one I love for the rest of my life?
Could you be the one I've always been ment to be with?
Could you be the ONE?
But how can I be sure
You broke my heart once,
am I willing to trust you again?
Could you be the one I'm looking for?
Could you be the one who will love me for the rest of my life?
Could you be the ONE?
I'm scared to trust you,
afraid of your kisses
for they have a power over me.
Your smile tells me I'm safe
but your eyes hold a secret.
Will you hurt me?
How can I know that you're the one?
How can I know that you'll love me the way I want to be loved?
Will you show me?
Take me by the hand and show me trust
Take me by the heart and show me love
Show me you're worth trusting,
loving,
everything