I’ve lost him
When you think of LOVE you think; happiness, smiles, and acceptance, but could you ever imagine that love could mean something else entirely? The day I realized I loved him was the day I knew I would never be alone. I was shocked and amazed at the realization that everything I thought I wanted for my life wasn’t going to be good enough unless I had him. I did anything to see him smile, anything to hear his laugh and would die for him just so he could have a little more time on this earth. To me he was everything and I was willing to put everything I wanted for myself on hold just to make sure I could be with him. Somewhere when life started to get hard I forgot all that. I started dreaming about everything I had put on hold. I wanted so much for my life and suddenly everything he had offered me wasn’t enough.
I started making excuses as to why he wasn’t good enough. I started listening to people who didn’t know about my relationship. Believing things I would never have thought to think twice before about. Ultimately I ruined the best thing I had in my life.
But maybe I should back up…
The day I met him I didn’t want anything but to earn a paycheck, and instead I came away with one of the most amazing things I could ever ask for. I remember everything as perfectly as if it were yesterday. He, we’ll call him My Airman, stood behind the counter in khaki shorts and a button down orange plaid shirt and sandals. I thought he was cute, but quickly diverted my attention to the job at hand. I was not there to flirt, or find a boy friend, I was there because I needed money. I guess fate had other things planned for us. I couldn’t stay away from him for long, his smile and smooth voice drew me in faster than I could blink. I found him intoxicating, mysterious and very scary. More than anything I wanted him, I wanted to breathe him in, submerse myself in his love. He was everything and more that I wanted. His mind intrigued me but more than anything being around him made me feel special.
Two weeks later he left for Iraq; his deployment was to be 180 days long. We were going to email; I was his support from home. The emails became my life. Every time my fingers touched a keyboard I was checking my email and whether he had emailed me back or not I was emailing him another email. Being a sheltered little girl from a small town I had no idea what to expect from this deployment, I didn’t know what to say or how to act for him. So I did my best to distract him from his current situation by talking about life at home. My awesome senior year of High School adventures such as Choir and Creative writing. For the most part our emails were completely platonic, but every once in a while when life was particularly hard he would let his true feelings show about me in his emails. As I would try my hardest not to let my feelings for him become manifest it was hard when he would tell me that he loved me. The short 4 months in which he was gone were the hardest of my young life. Every day was a new rollercoaster of emotions.
After Christmas started the countdown for his arrival home, I wasn’t for sure of the date he would be arriving. I knew an approximate but due to terrorist attempts I couldn’t know the exact date he would be home. So my countdown wasn’t exactly accurate, school started sometime around the 1st week of January and everyone seemed to have a secret they couldn’t tell me by the 2nd week back to school. January 28, 2005 was the oddest day, I woke up went to Seminary and when I got home everyone was looking at me expectantly. But I wasn’t in on the secret, I went to school and again everyone looked at me with the same expectant look. I seriously didn’t know what to think. Finally in creative writing, the last class of the day, everyone just stared at me smiling knowing something I didn’t. As if that wasn’t enough to unnerve a person as I was leaving for the day everyone said the same thing, “have a great weekend Buffy, have fun.” None of my class mates ever said anything like that to me before. I had no idea what to think. I left the school and drove home with my siblings who were unusually antsy and excited. I get home; walk through the door to find my mom greeting us. She grabbed my back pack and told me to go into the living room. Odder yet was Samo and Ashley were both sitting at the table smiling. I had no idea what was going on. I walk into the kitchen and see him standing by the pantry. Too shocked to move or breathe, all I could say was: “Hi” He gave me the biggest hug I’d ever had, neither of us wanted to let go.
The next few months flew by faster than I could blink. We got engaged and had set our wedding date. Soon after deciding when we were going to get married we realized we couldn’t wait that long. Every day we spent apart seemed like an eternity. The decision between him and college was before me. As much as it scared me, I jumped. We wed on June 25, 2005 in the Billings Montana temple. He was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. Dressed in his blues and me in my white dress, all I could see was him. I didn’t want anyone or anything else for the rest of my life.
We spent the next 5 years married, it wasn’t always easy or fun but he was my husband, He was my everything. So why did I forget it so easy? Why did I throw it all away? I thought I knew what I wanted. I had no idea what I wanted till it was over. Will I ever be given the chance to make it right again? Will I ever win his trust and love again or am I doomed to live alone forever?
Here I sit, scared and nervous about my future; there is nothing certain nothing guaranteed about my happiness. I cry a lot, and find myself longing to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. But I’m no longer the priority in his life; I’m no longer the special one who puts a smile on his face. I guess this is where the real story begins. This is the part where I redeem myself in his eyes; where I win his love.
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